quotes

quotes » humor  (page 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5)

  • "Tonight, California bans gay marriage, next up Iowa bans corn."
  • - Stephan Colbert
  • "If bodies came with a make and model like cars, mine would be a '78 Kelly Clarkson"
  • - Diablo Cody
  • ‎"I feel positive Jesus would want rich people & big corps to pay more taxes than say, a schoolteacher"
  • - Sarah Silverman
  • ‎"This is how fucked up marriage is ?. It's so fucked up that Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison. Got beaten and tortured every day, made it through hard labor in 100-degree heat, and did it with no problem. He gets out of jail, and after six months with his wife he said, 'I can't do this!'"
  • - Chris Rock
  • "90% of the times I talk shit it comes from a not-confident place in me. (the other 10% I'm right on)"
  • - Sarah Silverman
  • "Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
  • - Steven Wright
  • "I have a"carpe diem" mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet."
  • - Joanne Sherman
  • "...I mean, six months into parenthood I checked myself into a mental hospital. That?s a pretty good indication that the software was not compatible with my operating system."
  • - Heather Armstrong((Dooce.com))
  • "If bodies came with a make and model like cars, mine would be a '78 Kelly Clarkson."
  • - Diablo Cody(on Twitter)
  • “If the NBA were on channel 5 and a bunch of frogs making love was on channel 4, I’d watch the frogs even if they were coming in fuzzy. ”
  • - Bobby Knight
  • "Nobody's perfect...Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him."
  • - Unknown
  • "Sex is hereditary: If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either."
  • - Unknown
  • "A dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac - One who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog..."
  • - Unknown
  • "You want us to do what?"
  • - Ancinet Chinese Wall Engineer
  • "Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."
  • - Steven Wright

quotes » humor  (page 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5)